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when you act like a jerk

November 28, 2018

I stayed up too late. 

I woke up too early. 

I accidentally scheduled physical therapy at the same time as MOPS. (Mother's of Preschoolers)

We were out of milk and a ton of other much needed things. I knew I had to get to Kroger ASAP. 

I needed to call and reschedule the PT appointment.

I had overdue books at the library that had to be returned. 

I was supposed to bring food to MOPS, that I'd failed to prepare in advance. 

I needed to send in money for a Holiday market at the elementary school. 

And I'd scheduled Christmas Card photos for that night, but hadn't planned a single thing for anyone to wear.  Nothing.  I knew I had clothes that needed to be both washed and dried and maybe even ironed to pull

it off. 


My head with spinning with how I was going to make it all happen. 


I told Carly, "I'm sending you with a check to school.   It is to buy an ornament at the Holiday Shop."


No big deal, right? 


"What do you mean? I don't know anything about a shop. My teacher never said anything about it.  Where is it? What is to for?"


I tried to answer all of her questions kindly. But she wouldn't stop.


"I don't think that's happening for us.  My teacher never said anything about it. Are you sure?  When will I go? Where is it at?"


"Carly, I got an email.  It's kinda like the book fair.  All of the teachers get a time slot and you get to go and shop for someone an ornament for a Christmas gift."


This conversation went on and on and I could not convince her to just take the check and take my word for it.  Finally, I snapped.


"What the hell Carly!  Why so many questions???  Just take the check and trust me."


I don't remember what else I said, But at this point I had gone from being sweet and understanding to screaming. 


 I could see her just wilt.  Like a knife to a tire, all the Happiness and Joy and Spark left her little body, all because she was trying to understand what in the world a Holiday Market was and where it was at and who it was for. Much like her mother, she has a hard time "believing" what she cannot "see."


It wasn't the outrageous list of questions that sent me over the edge.  It was all of my POOR PLANNING that I was stressed about.   All these questions were just icing on the cake! Gas on the Fire! The straw that broke the ....Oh you know! 


Canceling Physical Therapy, AGAIN. That's embarrassing. 

Getting everyone where they needed to be and then to Kroger and MOPS on time. Who wants to go to Kroger at 9am?

Family explanation needed. If you’ve done KNOW! 

Would I have time to grocery shop right after MOPS? No, that would ruin Ella's nap and Ella without a nap will be bad for Pictures. 


You all know.  It is inevitable. Sometimes, we don't plan ahead.  Life Happens.  You feel like a failure.  And then BOOM! an innocent kid or your husband gets the wrath of you. 


When we got into the van, I looked at her and said, "Carly I am so sorry.  I was such a jerk of a mom screaming at you like that over your questions.  I know you were just trying to understand.  I'm so sorry, please forgive me."


And when we got to the point in the ride where we prayed, My prayer was, "God please forgive me.  I failed to plan on so many things, and have been a jerk of a mom this morning.  Please forgive me and help me get my heart in the right place."


As it was her turn to get out in the carpool line, She climbed up to the drivers seat and gave me the biggest hug and kiss. "Have the best day ever mom! I love you so much!" She was so sincere. So sweet. So forgiving. 


Ahhhhh! That girl!  She gets me.  


She went on about her day and me about mine.  I forgave myself and she forgave me and we both had peace. 


I'm not excusing my behavior. I'm not saying it's okay to act like a fool and then just beg for forgiveness.   I HATE when I let myself scream like that. I hate when the wrong person suffers. I hate when I focus on the wrong things and let more important things fall between the cracks. 


My only hope is that they are seeing and are learning to be HUMBLE human beings. To say, I am so sorry.  I was wrong.  I hurt your feelings and I should not have.  Please forgive me.  


Imagine the stress that will save them.  The regret.  Imagine how they can extend peace to those that they will inevitably anger or hurt.  


I think it was about 10-12 years into our marriage before Mike and I started speaking those words, and it changed us.  It softened my heart towards him. And vise versa.  It's helped us put out fires over stupid things that we always seemed to disagree about.  (Mainly finances.) Rather than trying to prove we are  "right" we’ve finally realized it is a heck of a lot easier to just be Humble and say Sorry. To think from the other person’s shoes, experiences.  When our hearts changed, so did our actions.  When you own up to your mistakes and accept responsibility for them, instead of wasting your time trying to prove yourself, it changes you.  You behave differently. 


When I took a minute and remembered, she's new at the this school.  Her teacher is new at this school.  Clearly, she hadn't explained it to them, probably because she didn't know a lot about it herself.  When I thought from Carly's perspective...all the questioning made more sense to me. 


I pray that my kiddos will do the same.  Think from another person's perspective.  Humble themselves and apologize every chance they get.  With their spouse, friends, roommates, neighbors, classmates, whoever they encounter in life.  I know being Humble, accountable, forgiving, and saying sorry will give them so much Joy in the Chaos of LIFE! 







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